Thursday, May 05, 2005

T.V MUCH?

Freak-quency Here! HOLLA

BET
Hey Ya'll did you hear, BET is going to cut it's remaining news programing. First "Lead Story" then "Teen Summit" and now "BET Nightly News." In lieu of the disapperance of public affairs programing, BET founder Robert Johnson is reported saying "that instead (BET) will offer news briefs throughout the day, specials about newsworthy events and an urban affairs show" aka "Cusine Jeff Chronicals" which airs quarterly. Great! More sound bites. If cable networks were food, BET would be mini-marshmellows!

My God! It is like BET news is Black History Month for cable televison but instead of the 28 days of an intentional focus on the history of Black people we get an hour. Just enough time to skim the coon layer of Black infotainment.

I mean, odviously Viacom never intended for BET to be the source of Black scholarship, in-depth analysis of all things African, a forum for reporting on Black living, but with the halting of any news programing of any kind it is really gross that Viacom niggerologists continues to exploit the BET network in order to pipe bullshit directly into the vains of it's viewers. BET advertisers will very likely receive an increase in ad time to continue clocking mad $crilla pimping bling bling versions of Coke, Kentucky Fried Death, and heart clogging Ronald McDonald commercials to its 18 to 35 demographic. And whatever with all the pop music programming. Even the mind numbing dumbness of most MTV programming includes freak'n news shows and hourly news updates!

Whatever with those pink toes and their master plan to separate po' ass sistas and brothas from their hard hussled dollars.

America's Next Top Model

Hey Eva girl! Great to see you making the most out of your ANTM dollars. Hell you are the only reason that I have been getting interested in Kevin Hill. (To be real witcha, I was all good on Taye Diggs after seeing him on Ellen and Ellen outing him on his WHITE WIFE to the world) but sista, you done brought me back to giving that Boozhee ass show a try.

Anyway, back to ANTM...Tyra what is up with that girl? Why is she always trippin with the Black girls? I mean sure Tiffany was tripping and needed to be schooled but come on Tyra don't show her ass with any of the pink toes when they act a fool. It reminds me of an age old internalized oppression: Black mentors who are far more hard on up and coming Black people than they are others who hold the same status as the Blacks being mentored.


Just last night Kahlen started to boo hoo over about being shy or something and what did Tyra do? Did she ridicule her for showing vulnerablity? Did Tyra tell her to "get it together because the business is cruel?" No, Tyra kissed her ass and consoled her. What the F*@%! Hell Tyra even chewed miss Eva a new hole last cycle when she asked Eva what was going on with her and when Eva disclosed through tears that she felt like she was being dissed by the other girls (and Eva was hella being dissed and hated on) Tyra told Eva that even if she was sad she needed to come into the room model ready and not crying. Tyra derided Eva saying that it was dangerous to let weakness show and to stop crying. Tyra also added that Eva had brought on the hateration by being a little Diva and that it should be a lesson to her to calm down. What a
Bee-atch! Tyra shame on you and your whack ass weaves!

And Keenya...ya'll she is hella tired. She said that even though she was from Compton she did not speak "ghetto" and that she did not relate to being "ghetto" as a way of calling out Tiffany's less polished dialect. Of course Keenya invited a white girl to share her prize for wining the go-see challange which was a dinner with industry people at designer Craig Port's lavish Cape Town plantation. But wait, Keenya was then hella hating on Brittany when Brittany wowed the masses and "stole" the spotlight with her funny drunk pay-attention-to-me white girl slut routine. All Keenya had to do was step up her game but why do that when it is far easier to whine? Pauvre fille .

Whatever, God willing and the creek don't rise Naima gone take this bitch.


The Apprentice

Brotha man can forget about it. I can hear the pink toes now, "he is very excitable, very scary." Yeah, yeah.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Everbody Gets Beyoncified

Beyonce is someone we hate to love, but love her anyway. The woman can sing her ass off (a significant accomplishment given the robustness of it), she's beautiful, she's telegenic, she's rich.

She's Republican.

But we tolerate her because there's only one of her and, as long as there's just one, Beyonce is just a guilty pleasure. A big blonde cultural phenomenon that sports dresses up to there, sings about her body being too booty-licious, and performs for all those anti-masturbation, anti-sex ed christian conservative Republicans - coming to an inauguration ball near you!

A market of her own, flinging back that yellow weave, go on girl with your Loreal self - you're worth it!

But now with the likes of Ashanti, Brandy, Venus & Serena, and every other blackgirl in the limelight frying their tresses into bright blondage, it's like a frickin' virus going around. Something in the water. Or the Alize.

Beyonce wasn't always the main negresse with blonde ambition - there was Lil Kim, Eve, Mary J. Blige (that really hurt us). However, with Beyonce ushering in the New Millenium Negro image (i.e. hip hop/pop-singing star, loved by throngs of whitefolks, being thrust into film, tv commercials, Vogue covers, high-priced lovers, and lucrative contracts for makeup, hair, sodapop, and designer companies) suddenly, we have talented blackfolks dipping their heads in vats of blonde dye in hopes of pulling up similar kinds of careers. Before they have a chance to towel dry their newly golden locks, falling from the towel are hopes of similar contracts and bigger than blonde careers. Swing that hair to the right, out falls a spread for Elle (forget Ebony, girl, that's so twentieth century). Swing that hair to the left, out falls dinner with the President. Lord knows Bushy needs some company while he longs for some sweet, sweet Condi. You know it's true!!!

When will sistas understand that hard work, real talent, and nappy hair will get you the real prizes? Small, but committed audience. Small, but well-earned and guilt free paycheck. We promise we will love you for keeping your natural breast size (Queen - we love you, but we miss your original body), for keeping your nappy locks (shout out to Jill Scott), for keeping it real with the bald head (Erykah, India), for weaving the reality of oppression in your tunes (Tracy, Me'Shell).

Hollywood might not give you a job, but Hollywood doesn't pay us either. We slave over this blog, entertaining the masses, for absolutely no pay at all. You don't see us complaining. Actually, you don't see us at all, but here we are. As Celie said, "Lawd, I's heah."

Let's just hope that Omarosa, the woman we love to hate, another phenomenon, doesn't get caught up in all the blonde madness. With her cheesy-ass Burger King commercial - it's all good Omarosa, get paid girl with your PhD-any-day-now self. From the projects to the White House to the Burger King commercials...

The American Dream.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Capitalism ruins all the fun.

We all realized that The Apprentice was the root to all evil when it began last year. None of our commie schoolbooks demonstrated the destruction caused by capitalism better than this tv show. That is why watching it regularly became our contribution - our duty - to the inevitable revolution.

That and taking pleasure in watching Omarosa do her thing with our eyes wide open and our mouths agape.

But tonight, the combination of capitalism and celebrity, morphing into a rancidly dull slice of cheese, truly ruined it for us. First of all, since when did Lincoln Center start slumming it with the likes of Donald Trump and Regis Philbin? Then, do we really have to witness Regis pretending that going into the audience was an impromptu suggestion by Trump? The O'Jays are shuffled in like jesters to entertain the king. The only thing missing was the parade of Apprentice mascots, like a giant stuffed version of George, literally Trump's right-hand man, and the ceiling opening up so that millions of dollars of Monopoly money falls into the audience.

Furthermore, we couldn't even take pleasure in watching the brutal and well-deserved comeuppance of Jennifer. Let us take this opportunity to be really clear that we feel that the final two contestants, Kelly the Robot and Jen the Fembot, were significantly boring and incompetent, making the last challenges positively painful to witness. However, that said, the nausea caused by watching everyone orgasm over Kelly took all the fun out of rooting for Jennifer to lose.

We agree with Omarosa's comments that there's a double standard about aggression as it's applied to men and women. But the more compelling problem with The Apprentice is how it trains people to be brutal to each other. Don't think we forgot how those women said that Stacie J. made them "afraid for their safety" because she was playing with a Magic 8 Ball. Right, the Black woman is "crazy," that's real creative. Then Ivana, the Asian woman, is the only woman in the history of The Apprentice to be punished for using her sexuality to sell, though the show's white women constantly use this tactic. Double standards, triple standards, for the love of money - these are the names of the game.

In closing, here is a verse from The Apprentice's theme song that's never sung in the actual show:

I know money is the root of all evil
Do funny things to some people
Give me a nickel, brother can you spare a dime
Money can drive some people out of their minds


'Nuff said.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

In Y'all Tall Bitches Face!

Hooray, Eva won!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After a very long America's Next Top Model season where it seemed like if we heard Tyra Banks tell us the prizes one more time, we would have thrown the television out the window, our favorite ghetto-fabulous girl won.

This almost makes up for Kerry losing.

Foxybrown is shocked, thinking for sure that Eva the Diva was gonna leava and Amanda was going home with the ANTM crown with all of her blonde haired, blue eyed luster. Miss Booty thought that YaYa had it - the way the judges kept saying regal this and elegant that. But let the record reflect that Frequency called it Eva's win.

Foxybrown: Did y'all hear Janice yell out "I love you!" to Amanda as she was leaving the room, post-cut? T-A-C-K-Y.

Frequency: I'm so glad Yaya didn't win. Can't believe she said that if there was something she and Amanda could do to make Eva feel more comfortable, they wouldn't do it. For someone who's pegged to be so afrocentric, she sho isn't showing up for the black girls. Bye!

Miss Booty: In y'all tall bitches face!


Thursday, December 09, 2004

Is Donald Trump A Total Idiot...

...or is he just drawn that way?

Tonight on The Apprentice, Reality Check was disappointed to see Kevin (negro with the heart of gold) fired and Jennifer (blonde chick who lies, loses, and takes credit for other people's ideas) move on to the final two.

After some boring interviews with rich executives who actually call Trump "The Donald," we find ourselves having no choice but to root for the white dude, Kelly, who seems like a nice guy, but a bit of a wuss. The boardroom scene with the final four was pretty painful to watch. There the four of them were, Trump pitting the men against one another, and then the women. Kelly vs. Kevin was pretty easy. Somehow the executives got the impression that Kevin both did not have hardcore street cred, but was too aggressive. That way, they get to feel superior to a brotha that is more educated than them, while maintaining their racist fantasies of black aggression. We all saw that comin.

But the ladies? Come on! Jennifer is articulate, but not really all that bright in terms of leadership or creativity. I guess all that blondeness blinded The Donald and he fired two people who won twice as project manager and kept on a woman who lost twice as PM.

Why didn't Kelly tell Trump that Jennifer took credit for Ivana's wheel idea - a simple gimmick that the poor woman didn't even understand when the team tried to explain it to her? Was it because he knew that Jennifer was a weaker player, so he didn't make the argument strongly enough? Why did Stephanie let Jennifer argue circles around her?

And will the season finale be as boring as the preview makes it look?